I’m SO sorry that this blog is SO late but I declared the word “SO” to be a keyword this week (after SO much use of the word in the opening segment) and I’ve only just now SObered up. Just kidding. It really only took ‘til Wednesday. Not kidding about the watch word for this episode being “SO”…be prepared…and, if you’re playing (drinking) along don’t plan on driving after reading this blog. You might want to schedule a pee break too. That concludes the public service portion of this blog. On to the actual post…
Bread sticks with garlic-herb cream cheese and prosciutto
Wasabi rice crackers
Bananas with chocolate sauce
Vanilla cake with chocolate fudge frosting
Brad opens the episode by listing the locations they’ve shot at thus far this season. I wasn’t really paying much attention because a)I already know where they’ve been this season and b) I was busy wrapping prosciutto around pub cheese covered bread sticks because they need to be made right before they’re eaten, and I have my priorities.
He sums up their itinerary by saying this week is “SO (drink) important” because he has “four AMAZING (drink) women left.” He then runs down the list of who remains.
Brad’s summary of each gal:
Chantal’s up first. Brad claims he has “SO (drink) much fun with this woman.” He and Chantal had an AMAZING (drink) date. “I don’t hold back a single bit with Chantal.” (*cough*) He tells her “I have SO (drink) much fun with you.”
Ashley’s up next. Brad describes Ashley as “SO (drink) happy and outgoing.” He’s not sure we heard him the first time so he tells us two more times. “I’m SO (drink) happy, SO (drink) happy.” He’s just concerned because he wants to move forward and “reconnect” (*cough*) He repeats, “you make me SO (drink) happy.”
Shawntel N. has her own share of keywords in her description. According to Brad he and Shawntel “have this unsaid CONNECTION (drink).” Flashback to her telling him how much she wants him to come to her hometown “It’s AMAZING (drink)”, and her telling him how much she’s enjoying Anguilla “Oh, that’s SO (drink) pretty.” Brad’s hopeful they’ll take a step that’s “SO (drink) much bigger than the one in Anguilla.” (That’s what she said. *cough*)
Emily is last in the lineup, rundown, list. (*hic*) He kicks off with a flashback where he asks her “SO(drink) how are you?” then launches into the story about how she lost “someone she cared SO (drink) much about” and how there’s “SO (drink) much love that Emily has for her ex, and she holds on rightfully SO (drink).” He also thinks Emily is “SO (drink) much deeper than her and I.” (Don’t get me started on the whole me/I usage thing, seriously.) Is he done? Nope. Why not? Because he wants “the opportunity, SO (drink) badly (he’s) falling SO (drink) hard for Emily.” (That’s what she said. *cough*)
Just to recap, that’s SIXTEEN “SO” uses in the opening three minutes. Plus two AMAZINGs and a CONNECTION. Phew. Is it hot in here or am I dehydrating?
There’s no drinking reprieve in sight. Brad tells us he’s “looking forward to meeting four different families…I’m SO(drink) excited.” And he just can’t hide it. (Those compression shorts sure helped a lot last week, though.)
Don’t even put your glass down, folks.
Brad(upon arriving at Chantal’s hometown date): This city is AMAZING (drink).
Chantal: Isn’t this AWESOME (drink)?
Brad: Isn’t this AMAZING(drink)? I can see myself hanging out here a lot.
Chantal: That would be AWESOME (drink)
(Editorial note: Are they trying to get us drunk and take advantage of us?)
Chantal is thrilled to be home with her family. How does she feel about it? You got it. “ SO (drink) AMAZING! (drink)” (*thud*)
The date goes well. I’m pretty sure Brad is now in love with Chantal’s dad. That could be the liquor talking. Dunno.
On to Ashley’s date. Things are hazy, but this date made me giggle. Brad attempts to say something in French to the restaurant owner where Ashley takes him for the French Canadian treat (known at diners across NJ as cheese fries with gravy) but the only French Brad has on the tip of his tongue is the word “Si” which is actually Spanish. Oh well. “A” for effort, Mr. Womack. Ashley reprimands Brad for trying to eat his cheese fries, I mean poutine, with a fork. She feeds him one with her fingers and announces “I can see your crown.” Seeing as she’s supposedly a dentist I’ll go on the assumption she’s talking dental work. (*cough*)
Ashely’s mom thinks Ashley and Brad have a “CONNECTION”. Thanks Ashley’s mom, I was feeling parched.
Shawntel’s date opens with scary organ music and a shot of her striding through her family mausoleum. (Seriously, producers? Organ music?) Shawntel’s dialogue isn’t much better than the opening music. “Do you want to be cremated?” she asks. I was hoping Brad would say “Not today” and run out of the building waving his arms, but instead he said “never thought about it.” Granted, I haven’t been on a date in a long time, seeing as my husband frowns on that sort of thing, but I’m thinking that’s not the most seductive question she could have asked. Also, I’m all for the gals getting Brad into a reclining position and having their way with him, but my choice would be to skip the vein drain, aneurysm hooks, face mask, etc. That’s just me.
Mind you, Shawntel is actually my favorite contestant. She seems very down to earth and appears to be a total sweetheart, plus she asks Brad a lot about himself, which is a nice change of pace from the women who can only talk about themselves or dwell on the rose they may or may not be getting. I REALLY felt bad for her during the family portion of her date. I know how this show is edited, but I also know what I heard come out of her father’s mouth, and the way some of it was worded gave me flashbacks to many a guilt-laden talking-to’s I’ve had from my own parents. At dinner her Dad announces how Shawntel will be his successor in the family business and a nervous Shawntel swills her wine before and after telling him she may just move to Austin. Dad doesn’t redeem himself one bit, in my eyes, when he tells his daughter in their “private” chat that she already disappointed a local high school teacher who needed Shawntel during the tragic ordeal she went through when her son recently passed. That may be the most horrible thing I’ve ever heard anyone say to anyone on this show. Ever. And I’ve watched a lot of seasons. Like I said, I know I’m bringing personal issues into this, but to sum up—NOT COOL. Me no likey. Poor Shawntel. Quick someone say “so” or “amazing”, I’m losing my buzz.
Dad tries to make up for things by giving Brad his blessing before he leaves. It was a nice sentiment. But too little too late, imho. (*falls off soapbox in drunken huff*)
Brad, ever the gentleman, tells her “you have an AMAZING (drink) family.” (Thanks Brad, I needed that one.)
He then graciously goes on to provide comic relief during his date with Emily by uttering my two favorite lines of the night:
1) …when it comes to Emily “I’m rock solid.” (That’s what she said. *cough*)
2) …when saying goodnight at her door “I don’t want to leave weird.” (Too easy.)
I’m not even going to get into an editing analysis of Brad’s interaction with Emily and her daughter—suffice to say I think their date was likely a lot less tense than they made it seem, the daughter warmed to him much faster than they made it look like, and they had to work to add the “drama” to this segment.
Chris Harrison earned his paycheck by reciting his mandatory weekly seed-of-doubt-planting-statement”:
CH: “One house where you seemed to fit in the best was with Ashley…Ironically she’s the one girl who really didn’t express for love for you this week.”
I’ll conclude with a coma-inducing list of all the “so” statements I counted in the final wrap-up:
So I can’t be guarded
So if she isn’t feeling it
So much deeper
So much different
So good (again)
So much respect
So great (again)
So perfect (again)
Cheers! Please comment below if you’re still conscious.